‘5 Holiday Humdingers to those who are hell bent on getting all up in your Business’
Traveling home knowing you will be sitting in the stink of loneliness isn’t fun. If you have done everything to avoid being uncoupled, disconnected, and relationship free this holiday knowing that it may be worse than admitting voting for Donald Trump then pat yourself on the proverbial family time back.
Laughter indeed is the best medicine and not taking yourself to seriously this season may be the trick towards healing the tangled web of unavoidable stressors.
Coping devoid of a partner during a time where cute commercials with lovers exhibiting an unusual amount of ‘PDA’ in ugly sweaters or shopping at some big box store for stuffing versus dressing ingredients solidifies anyone without a significant other is…well less than normal, may be a bit much to contend with.
Not to be too dramatic, I suspect loners will eventually find someone or someone will find them whichever is the more acceptable way of meeting for feminist and progressive types these days. Until then admittedly there are fun solo adventures awaiting, or at least that’s what the internet promises.
If ever one is wishing the holidays away simply because they can’t stomach the feel-good Hallmark movie marathons of princesses finding their prince on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, then fair-weather friends you are not alone.
And that is just that, loners are not alone, there are other kind-hearted well-meaning kindred spirts whose self-esteems per so-called societal norms are hemorrhaging on couches across this nation. Endlessly listening to the never-ending Christmas radio dial beginning after Halloween while choking down reindeer cut-out sugar cookies.
Who doesn’t love a reindeer sugar cookie and paired with some spiced eggnog that’s what a good time is all about? However, it would be nice if that pairing came with a warm body in fuzzy elf socks who enjoyed re-runs of A Charlie Brown Christmas.
When you mother for the one hundredth time asks “Hey found anyone yet” while your Uncle Bob carves the glistening turkey this Thanksgiving, perhaps this year your comeback could be larger-than-life rather than the quiet seething murmured breaths you are known for. Something like, “He is in prison and awaiting parole or you all do know I like girls”.
Otherwise, if these won’t readily work check out five holiday humdingers to shut up the ornery of crowds who are hell bent to get all up in your business.
- “Who brought frozen pumpkin pie”? I did damn it and I’ll eat it all if I want to
- This year my carb loading is intentionally for the 5 k I’ll be running…like never
- The last time I sat on Santa’s lap his knees weirdly buckled and that rosy check man from the North Pole felt me up-you can’t fool me either I am for sure that was Cousin Ralph.
- I hate all of you and yes I’ve gained weight-so what
- And lastly, this hoarder house always smells like Aunt Rita’s onion dip, seriously!
And will someone please fill Grandma Jones in …no I will not participate in the selfie Facebook challenge with the senior citizen 2016 championship traveling moon-pie singing quartet…FYI…selfie-sticks are so last year. This is the type of crap that keeps me away for 6 months or more.
Withstanding, there isn’t any bitterness here. No not one iota of holiday disdain, therefore as a grown ass women we can make decisions that are best for us or else fudge the truth about having to work the day after Thanksgiving or on Christmas Eve as to avoid the Turkey day football watching and babysitting of your brother’s angelic kiddos and the Dirty Santa drama that your 80-year-old grand-father swears is the best part of the holidays.
Whichever you choose no judgement from insufferable binge Netflix recording, 1980’s flashback radio station listening, tacky sock giving, “no cook” ready in less than five minutes’ recipe trying, work day loners. We will be sitting in the car with our skinny jeans unfastened after dinner with the A.C. on (recovering from the heat being on hell on the inside). Free yourself….please.
Replaying the best of talk radios home for the holidays special while stuffing our faces with the crusty ends of the last bit of left-over extra cheesy mystery vegan casserole that neighbor Jim’s new fitness guru girlfriend shared-what a-. Just kidding she’s surprisingly very nice in a Jane Fonda let’s get physical perky video type of way.
All while we are left crying into the fancy napkins with tiny embroidered turkeys; mom bought the day after Thanksgiving last year, attempting to cope with the New Year party masquerade balls we probably won’t get an evite to. Who over 40 wants to wear a Spiderman mask with masking tape for a handle while their friends dance around in purple sequin capes anyway?
Oh, and bless it…Valentine’s Day is just around the corner which will require at least one week of the free trial gym membership that tends to show up year after year in that 20-year-old Christmas stocking you made in Mrs. Higgenbowers Kindergarten class.
This will hopefully provide time to warrant some hope of getting asked out; in the meantime, here’s to the jumbo marshmallows in your sugar-free mint mocha cocoa and a healthy pat of real butter on Mrs. Alice from the church home-made yeast rolls.
Remember to be grateful and write what you are most thankful for in a different color crayon than last year as you sit yet again at that makeshift children’s table-tis the season, my single sisters.
P.S. no one will blame you if you decide to dance to Feliz Navidad with a red solo cup full of lime frappe spiked with some dark liquor while drunken relatives do the Macarena, it’s a tradition after all-and of course you are all about keeping up with family gathering rituals! Get it Girl-You’re a Superstar.
